John A.Martin, Ph.D. California Licensed Psychologist
Take a moment to think about your most important relationships. How are they going? Maybe one, or more than one, isn't going as well as you'd like. If that's the case, you're like most of us.
If there is a problem with your relationship, how can you influence it, change its form, its direction? How can you become a better partner in your relationships?
The first thing to remember is this: There are no dancers; there is only the dance. If you imagine that the problem with the relationship is your fault, or your partner's fault, then you've forgotten that you are both co-creators of the relationship. Problems are simultaneously no one's fault and everyone's fault. Each of you is 100% responsible for what you have created, and each of you is 100% responsible for making it better.
And of course, you are at the same time a separate person from your partner. Of course you make your own decisions, live your own life, and you can stop interacting with your partner any time you choose. But if you and a partner are in relationship and committed to the ongoing process of creating and sustaining that relationship, remember that it's no longer simply you and your partner, two separate people: Remember that there is something new – a brand-new phenomenon, a shared experience of mutual influence – that has arisen in the space between the two of you, and that this phenomenon is your co-creation. In that shared space, there is only your co-creation, only the relationship. And remember that you are 100% responsible for that relationship, and that you have the power to make it better.